I remember months back I was sitting amongst a small crowd in SE Portland on a Sunday night listening to someone talk about these specific moments that we find ourselves in.
When we are finally by ourselves.
Hearing our own breath.
Left to the only voices that reside on the inside of us, whether or not they come from places of truth.
This reality of ‘obscurity’ and what it means for us to be found in that place...
That place of being alone.
And I remember thinking to myself,
'I don’t want that.
That’s not my place.'
It sounded so lonely,
It sounded like a place all too familiar, a place I was trying to escape that very week, day, month.
But, the more I listened,
The more I was overcome with intrigue.
Because He shared that the times in which we are surrounded by the masses don’t typically offer us the true clarity that we need to know more about who we are.
But rather its in the moments where we get alone.
Where we are left to our own thoughts
Where we can finally gain understanding of the underlying that has been boiling from within.
The things that we feel but can’t necessarily put a name to because we never take the time to actually process out what could be happening deep down.
And in this moment I find comfort in those words I heard that have even more relevance today than the day I first heard them.
Because as I’m in a new city
And as I’m desperate to discover my place
And how to operate in all the unfamiliar
I find myself in this place of obscurity that I used to run from
Because I’ve been there before
We all experience this at some time
And sometimes I’ve embraced it
But this time I’ve wanted to run
Because there are people that know me back home
There is more I can identify with there
There was significance and freedom and lots of assurance
And when I look around in this new place life feels a lot more narrow,
And now I know what it means when people say the walls feel like they are closing in
But then I’m reminded
If I can get to that place
If I can allow this obscurity
These moments that our society avoids with all intention because it means we actually have to get through the pain and hurt and fears
But the beauty in the midst of this desolate place
Is that there is so much hope to find the truth
And it actually yields for such a discovery...
To hear the Voice of all Voices
The one that tells me about who I am when I’m searching for something to cling to,
A word, a sentence, a direction, an encouragement
And He meets me
And He knows me
And He says that this discomfort is momentary.
Because so often we want things to spring up from the ground so quickly
But He isn’t pressed by our hastened hearts that demand immediacy
And He isn’t concerned that we might have a momentary feeling of the unknown
Because those are times where we can begin to grow in a way that has lasting implications
That actually allow the once starving roots of our hearts to wait out the water that He is surely to supply
And so in these days that have felt so long
And sometimes purpose-less
I have begun to speak the words that I’ve needed over my restlessness and doubts
And in a moment when I wanted to hide from it...
I went to the water
And I took my camera
And I knew I needed to go into the spaces that can be so difficult for me to enter into when I’m in a daze of emotional distress
But I was met in that place
When I chose to begin again
Begin to create
Begin to believe
Begin to be inspired by these places instead of intimidated, put-off, and even resentful
And this feeling began to overcome that which was overcoming me just moments before
And the truth started to come out
That there is more for me in this place
There is more for us
And it must be discovered
There must be a yes
There must be a stepping out
And even amidst obscurity, I realized again that I was free.